Make Birth Better CEO Nikki Wilson is back leading the team after six months of maternity leave. Here she writes about how it went with baby #3. Nikki: “Trauma was not the overall theme of having our third, but in this post I want to share with you how birth trauma can leave a lasting imprint. When something feels the same as those dark and difficult days, I still have to work hard to re-wire those connections.”

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A little background for those of you who don't know me. In 2014 my life turned upside down when I thought I was losing my life 4 days after the birth of Thomas - my first born son. I genuinely believed I would never be the same person again as postnatal PTSD engulfed me. One of the many (many!) difficult feelings that took hold of me was total devastation that I might never be able to have another baby. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it is possible to heal from even the deepest trauma (with a lot of help, love and support of course).

“Over the next few days, my intense fears that I might be slipping back into my PTSD eased”

Trauma was not the overall theme of having our third child, Jess . She has brought us immense hope, joy and has completed our family. But in this post I want to share with you how birth trauma can leave a lasting imprint. When something feels the same as those dark and difficult days, I still have to work hard to re-wire those connections. For example...

I had a major wobble after I had Jess which I didn't see coming at all. I was sent to a room on the postnatal ward which looked the same as the room I had been in after Thomas. Then I almost fainted from the pain of the C-section wound (I opted for an elective caesarean) and it felt that same 'blacking out' feeling like I had all those years ago. I could feel my mental state rapidly changing and the trauma taking hold. A smell, a sensation, a situation... small things can knock you back and you instantly worry that history is repeating itself. I had to have an ‘SOS call’ with a therapist and we focused on practical tools to 'bring me back'. These included:

My husband Rob soothing me repeatedly and telling me it wasn't the same
I asked to see the mental health midwife and shared my concerns
I swapped morphine for another pain reliever so I felt less 'spacy'
Rob took Jessie away for a few hours so I could get some solid sleep
Rob got me a wheelchair so I could leave the room and be wheeled around the hospital and see the wider world (luckily they let this happen despite Covid restrictions)

And over the next few days, my intense fears that I might be slipping back into my PTSD eased. I mentally re-entered the world and felt safe again. But I had been reminded once again about the potency of trauma and how strongly a trigger can take hold of you.

So this is why I'm here with you. I can't put into words how much I care about this topic. About the partners and the professionals as well as the women and birthing people too. It's a pleasure to be back. Bring on 2022 and another year of doing our best to make birth better.

My trauma was triggered: here's what I did to help myself