Postnatal depression: the privilege and pessimism of being a mother

In this heartfelt piece, Chloe Mendum writes about having postnatal depression. She shares about the mixed bag of emotions that go hand in hand with it, and the difficulty in acknowledging you are not OK.

Becoming a mother is definitely one of those concepts where you cannot explain what it is like, unless you have ‘walked the walk’ and ‘talked the talk’. For years I wanted nothing more than to become a mother after caring for those starting that beautiful journey and having the privilege of watching their world centre around their new, tiny human. But I never truly understood the strength and sanity it takes to actually embody the role and be someone's mother.

Our lives changed as soon as we found out I was pregnant with Raeph and I could already feel myself picturing how this little seedling was going to grow, what he may look like - would he have my smile and his father's eyes? You imagine holding them for the first time and feeling their fingers wrap around yours with such might and begin building that unbreakable bond.

Polar opposite
We had a tough start to our journey with an exhausting pregnancy, SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) and all its endeavours - feeding, jaundice and weight problems all being part of our prolonged stay in hospital. On reflection, I feel this is where my postnatal depression started as my expectations of what our first week would look like was the complete polar opposite to what we experienced. Part of me could say “You're a midwife, how could you not expect these problems? How could you not know what was going on?”, but I was not just a midwife at that moment - I was a brand new mum. I felt trapped at the hospital and despite having many people care for us and giving us overwhelming compassion, it was probably the most lonely I had ever felt up to that point. Finally, being able to go home as a family was a moment I will cherish and thinking “this is it, it'll be better now” and in some ways it was, but in other ways it just felt like groundhog day.

“Postnatal depression is like trying to climb out of a dark hole towards the light and every time you feel you’re getting close, you fall back into darkness”

Rollercoaster of emotions
The last three months have been a rollercoaster of emotions with moments of pure joy and of pure sadness. Postnatal depression is like trying to climb out of a dark hole towards the light and every time you feel you're getting close, you fall back into darkness. It's like slowly sinking into quicksand and just watching the world and everyone else pass you by. It's like having constant conflicts of chaos going on in your mind that tells you how much you adore your baby, but also tells you what a rubbish mother you are and maybe you're not cut out for this.

I did not really understand that it is probably postnatal depression I am experiencing until I spoke to my partner. It's interesting how sometimes the person you share your life with knows you more than you know yourself and it's probably because you don't even recognise yourself anymore. Sometimes it takes someone else to point it out for you to realise what is actually going on - it's not just you, it's not just because you can't cope or because you're not built to be a mother... it's depression.

Mixed feelings
As I'm writing this, I have my whole world cuddled into my arms napping peacefully and all I can think is that I love my baby endlessly. You can feel this way and still love your child, you can feel this way and still enjoy those precious moments where they smile at you and stare adoringly into your eyes, you can feel this way and still realise that parenting is hard work and although you feel alone you most definitely are not.