How do we make stillbirth better?
Often the word “stillbirth” brings up a range of uncomfortable emotions, mostly fear and sometimes distaste. But it is vital that we share these stories, writes Helena Morais, who lost her daughter Maila, because it’s the first step in showing up for someone experiencing the loss of their baby. The first step for friends, family and birth workers who want to improve their support. This is Helena’s plea for how stillbirth is everyone’s concern and how it needs to be humanised.
I’d like to start off by thanking you, for having the courage to tap in and taking the time to read through this blog. Often the word “stillbirth” brings up a range of uncomfortable emotions, mostly fear and sometimes distaste, “way to bring the mood down”. People don’t dare to read blogs like these, in case they or someone they know ‘catch it’. However, if the thought of someone losing a child is difficult to read through, imagine living it.
How will we ever learn to show up for someone experiencing the loss of their baby, if we can’t sit with it in conversation? This blog is to welcome friends and family who don’t know what to do or say and the birth workers who want to improve their support.
How can we make stillbirth better? We can’t. What we can do is make the aftercare better - the immediate and the lifelong one. Baby loss should be everyone’s concern, it can unfortunately happen to anyone, and if any of us are here today, we thank birth for that. Therefore it’s a social responsibility to ensure less babies are dying and for the babies who unfortunately do, that they and their parents are treated with dignity and respect. Stillbirth needs to be humanised.
“I want my story to inspire impactful change and shift the way stillbirth is treated”
Reality never lived
Once I heard the words “your baby didn’t make it”, I immediately went cold, and with that came the disassociation with my baby - she was no longer mine and I was no longer her mother. Yet, up until that dreadful day on 29 December 2022, my daughter and I had spent 257 days together, 36 weeks and 5 days. I had grown to understand her, and was fascinated by every kick, roll, punch and hiccup. I enjoyed our swims, Tik Tok dances, travels to France, Portugal and Spain and eating her favourite dish: bagels, feta and marmite. I loved watching her father bond with her, calling her “Papi” and spoiling her with kisses. I couldn’t wait to meet her, empower her with self-love for every coil in her hair, the plumpness of her lips, African nose and the complexion of her skin. Sadly, this reality was never lived. My “low-risk, healthy pregnancy” led to a placental abruption, due to undiagnosed preeclampsia, something I later came to learn is 6 times more likely to happen to Black women.
Impactful change
I don’t want my story to be just another sad thing that happened to someone else. One that will eventually be forgotten, or make people want to hug their little ones a little tighter. I want my story to inspire impactful change and shift the way stillbirth is treated.
In the initial moments of finding out the loss of our daughter, what my husband and I needed most was to be held and guided. It’s the responsibility of our carers, to gently and patiently educate us on the importance of making lasting memories. When asked twice if I wanted to see my baby, I refused. I didn’t know what to expect, harrowing thoughts clouded my mind “will she look like a zombie”.
“Improving stillbirth aftercare, starts with planting seeds”
Monumental
This is a crucial moment to give parents informed choices. We will never get this time back and we don’t realise just how monumental our decisions are. Improving stillbirth aftercare, starts with planting seeds. Modeling affection by lovingly holding our babies, complimenting and talking to them, “what beautiful feet you have”, “she has your nose”. Telling parents it’s understandable why they find it hard to see their baby, but reminding them that they are still their baby. Encourage parents to take their time and vocalise the freedom of changing their mind. Talk about what other parents do with their babies, like bathe and dress them to normalise parenting and bonding. The last thing parents should leave with is regret of never holding or seeing their child. Ultimately it is their choice but they need to know the choices they have.
Human
It breaks my heart that we left the hospital without making a single memory together. However, I count myself “lucky” for joining a Facebook group that completely changed my perspective. Families proudly showed off pictures of their babies and one mum softly asked me if I had pictures of Maila, she explained that it was the best thing she could have done for herself. At that moment, I knew I had to see my baby. It had been a week since giving birth, but to my surprise we were still able to see her the next day. I will cherish this for the rest of my life, it was absolutely the best thing I could have done for us. Our children are human, we don’t just let go of them. Taking pictures matters because if not now, in 20 years we may be curious to look back. This is all we have.
“Silence can be painful to grieving families ”
Basic human rights
Parents worldwide must be offered the opportunity to parent their baby by taking:
Pictures
Videos
Castings
Hand & Foot prints
Lock of hair
Memory boxes
An item worn
A hospital band
A walk together
Holding them close
Singing to them
Kissing them
Not doing so is depriving families of basic human rights, and the misconception that babies who are stillborn are evil or bad luck is damaging and leaves parents with further mental and emotional damage.
Improving aftercare
Our loved ones can also be involved in improving aftercare by:
Saving baby’s dates
Acknowledging baby in important holiday dates
Acknowledging baby with personalised gifts
Sending a text “I thought of your little one today”
Sending pictures of something that reminds you of their baby
Using baby’s name
Asking parents questions they never get asked, like how baby’s name was chosen or pregnancy memories
Asking parents what they’ve recently done in memory of their baby
Most importantly never assume. Ask “do you appreciate it when I include your baby?”
Silence can be painful to grieving families. Validating their babies' existence and upholding their memory alongside parents is crucial and part of making stillbirth aftercare better.
If you’re a professional wanting to learn more about supporting people through perinatal loss, please take a look at our instant access 90 minute online module “An introduction to loss in the perinatal period” with Dr Michelle Tolfrey, Clinical Psychologist and Founder of The Loss Collective. You have 6 months access after purchase.