Healing, Growing, and Passing the Beacon
“I had no idea”
I had no idea that you could be traumatised by birth or the events around it.
I had no idea I was a perfect fit for the symptoms of PTSD until two years of trying (and only partially succeeding) to piece my life back together.
It was only by chance, and thanks to a feature on Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, that I began to make sense of my experiences. My privilege meant I could ask for help to pay for the therapy I needed.
The NHS mental health service wouldn’t prioritise me because I wasn’t suicidal (yet). A kind and gentle GP prescribed me sertraline, which helped (and still does).
I don’t know if I was “high risk”
I don’t know if a mental health screening test would have placed me in a “mental health high risk” category.
I would have ticked these boxes before birth:
Adverse childhood experiences
A history of mild anxiety and depression
I would have ticked these boxes after birth:
Very long latent labour with no sleep
Vaginal birth with postpartum haemorrhage
Vaginal tear needing surgery – stitches healing
Blood transfusion
Breastfeeding established
Nowhere on my notes would it have read: “Truly believed she was dying. Said goodbye to her newborn son and family. Triggered significant trauma from past experiences.”
This is what I do know
However, this is what I do know:
The time it has taken to feel safe in the world again would have been much shorter if birth trauma had been better understood by everyone around me.
The years I spent feeling like a shell of my former self might have been fewer if I had known that birth trauma was real, recognisable, diagnosable, and treatable.
The intense isolation and shame I felt might have been less if our societal narrative was less focused on women being martyrs to motherhood—always placing our babies’ needs above our own.
We lit a fire, together
This sense of injustice lit a fire in me. At first, it was kindling with a small, apprehensive flame. Then, I met others with the same passion and the fire grew.
Rebecca and Emma were already crafting Make Birth Better when I met them. They had an army of excited people already behind them designing a new model for change.
I found my tribe. We all shared the same sense of injustice. Personal and professional experiences blended, and together we grew Make Birth Better—from kindling, to a campfire, to the blazing beacon it is today. I am intensely proud of what we’ve achieved.
Time to let go
I’ve often thought about how and when I’ll talk to my children about what birth—and the years after—really felt like to me. For a long time, I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever be able to move on.
And while moving to the Maternal Mental Health Alliance isn’t leaving birth trauma behind, it does feel like a poignant moment where I am giving myself permission to let go. To untangle myself from my birth trauma and grow into new spaces.
It is beyond exciting to be passing the beacon to new fire-starters: Laura-Rose Thorogood as CEO and Illiyin Morrison as Chief Ambassador. And it is deeply sad to be leaving behind the best people I have ever worked with. I’m not a crier and yet so many tears have been shed.
Thank you
The experience of running Make Birth Better will be inked into my skin forever. In fact, maybe it’s time for that long-dreamt-of tattoo?!
Thank you to everyone who has supported me for giving me the chance to heal in ways I never thought possible—and to walk shoulder to shoulder with thousands of others, turning pain into power and forging a future where no one suffers birth trauma in silence.
Nikki x