Disappointing C-Sections

I suppose I don't know what to say about my sons' births. I guess I am still pretty upset about how it all turned out. One of the things was trying to tell a story to myself of success not of failure / for both of them. I didn't go into labour with my first and after some unprogressive pessaries (but very painful) my cervix was still high and closed and just felt I wouldn't progress so decided to just ask for a c section, I didn't want to carry on doing the chemical stuff until my baby was distressed.

With my second, I was determined to have a VBAC and did hypnobirthing stuff, got a doula, planned a homebirth, lots of research etc. Also I wanted to wait for myself to go into labour, I kind of did, at just shy of 42w I started having pre-labour then it intensified at 42+1. Was super excited. Had an exam with midwife and was same as before, high and closed, massively sad.

Had consultant appointment and went along, had the scan and size estimation. They said baby was 9lb10oz and back to back. Consultant said she was pro-VBAC, but anxious about my continuing due to my long pre-labour and his size she said "he is stuck" And then talked about birth defects etc (what a horrible phrase) if labour was bad. I was by then dilated one cm but still high. She suggested a C section later that day. We went away and discussed it, and decided to go for it.

One thing I was upset about was that doula didn't come to hospital with us and basically implied that I should continue and if I was at hospital for a section she wasn't going to be there. The other consultant at hospital managed to break my waters to try to give me more time when I arrived at hospital but waters were full full full of meconium and his heart rate from 150 went up to 170 and didn't go down.

They decided not to wait because he seemed to be distressed and he was born at 10:30 - but - we did some 'gentle' c section things like delayed clamping and he was placed on me immediately, they carried out checks with him on my chest. He was fine thank god. But I had a mystery sepsis when he was 10 days old and we ended up in hospital again. That was bad and scary. I had IV antibiotics for three days, of course much better than my baby being ill, but all the same. It wasn't nice. I don't know what to take away from it all.

I was assertive and the professionals supported my wishes consistently, although I was disappointed re the doula as I said. I felt pretty torn up about the birth and it has had an impact on decision not to have more kids. I joined cbac and traumatic birth support groups on Facebook and have found that kind of good. Just to know I'm not alone. I'm still in them, too, two and a half yrs on! Hard to deal with a body that seems to be hard for babies to get out of in the natural way. It is as it is. I think my first was probably also posterior. 2nd baby was 8lb11 (nearly a pound lighter than predicted grrr). I wonder whether with him I was a little bit subdiabetic so they both ended up a bit big for my body? So ended up nestling themselves in a way that was unhelpful. I did all that spinning babies still from 36 weeks on. Again. Grrr.

Time has been the healer here, plus knowing others personally that have had bad births.

Such a big story, such a downplayed part of the mothering experience! For some like me, it becomes a massive story which no one is interested in hearing!

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